Are You Sunburned?

Did you ever get sunburned as a kid where you often found yourself saying "Don’t touch me” to family or your school mates? Whether over-exposed to the sun or hurt by other life traumatic events, many adults suffer from painful experiences associated with their youth.

The problem with physical afflictions, and other psychologically sensitive issues, is that left untreated, either traumatic event can produce lasting damage to your self-esteem.

With true sunburn your sensitive skin condition can discourage you from getting physically close to other people. Fear of triggering one’s sensitive skin condition causes many people, young and old, from participating in bonding activities that build support systems for later moments of distress.  

Getting sunburned with emotional closeness experiences had similar consequences. Fears of getting emotionally scared through rejection or being let down “yet again” discouraged those in need of love from reaching out. The art and skills of safe human interaction therefore never get practiced. Many adults are thereby unprepared for the riggers of intimate relationships including marriage.

Hurtful interpersonal moments experienced with primary caretakers in childhood creates certain expectations and then patterns, or attachment styles, for guiding people in how they interact with significant others. The patterns that are reinforced, first in childhood and then often in early adult life, can often create the very barriers to connection you may strongly desire.

The British psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to theorize about attachment, but the various attachment styles you’ve likely heard of were first identified in experiments conducted by Mary Ainsworth in the late 1960s.

Ainsworth’s research indicated about 60 percent of the subjects she studied were easily comforted when temporarily separated from their significant figure. These infants may have been somewhat uncomfortable yet they were secure enough in the confidence their caretaker would return to them shortly. 

The research went on to demonstrate 40 percent of the infants studied had significant attachment skill weaknesses. In the remaining subjects, Ainsworth‘s work clarified the experimental subjects fell into an even split (20 percent and 20 percent) between demonstrating anxious-ambivalent and anxious-avoidant styles of attachment. 

The anxious-ambivalent group were unable to be comforted and they stayed in an upset condition. These infants appeared to learn to become hesitant and unsure about bonding to a figure that comes and goes expectantly.

Those with an anxious-avoidant style appeared to have learned not to express any sign of upset when the primary caretaker could not be present. Yet when the parent returned to the room, these infants seemed to actively avoid connecting with the parent. 

And as time goes on, humans grow up, and the inter-personal dynamics of our childhood appear to stay with us. The attachment style you learned as a child and as a young adult often guides how you will interact in your adult significant relationships.

In a 1994 paper, Hazan and Shaver concluded that the distribution of attachment styles among adults also shows the 60-20-20 percent split. Several years later, Fraley and Shaver (2000) suggested that in childhood, attachment styles are developed, and these “coping patterns” become the guiding influences of adults for describing their marital interactions with a partner. 

In short, your sunburn moments from your youth influences how you interact with others today. The cool thing about sunburn and even severe trauma, your physical body and your emotional inter-psyche can be treated and repaired. 

Let us say you recognize yourself in one of the “insecure” adult attachment types. Perhaps you notice a tendency to push potential partners away or to stay emotionally distant. This relationship strategy appears to focus on not getting hurt by not expecting to much from the people around you.

On the other side of the anxious style is the strategy, or attempt, to not get hurt by keeping people extremely close. Being preoccupied with having your partner always around may have the exact opposite effect you hope to achieve. You may have had others suggest to you your style is experienced by them to be controlling.

Any extremes in staying distant or overly close may be an indication your “sunburn” needs to be addressed.

Whether you want to examine your childhood moments with significant caretakers or early adult relationships counseling can help you adjust. Professional coaching can also teach you new relationship skills for mastering a new style of connecting with others. Brains and attachments styles can be re-wired for creating safe connection. 

If your brain is suffering from early lifetime moments of getting sunburned… please reach out and get the support, you need. Finding the secure middle ground of not to distant and not to close is a relationship skill that can be learned. Seek to develop and master the healthy attachment style you need for over-coming any sunburn experiences from your past.