Difficult Decisions of the Heart

Why does it hurt so much? Is it all in your head or is your heart really telling you it’s time to walk away? And what is the cost of staying to long in a relationship where neglect and rejection are the norm?

I was saddened last week by a client struggling with the possibility his four year marriage was over. He and his wife had spent the better part of the past two years in couples therapy trying to repair and improve their now toxic relationship. A week later, I’m still wondering what could have been done differently to help them break the destructive pattern they were now experiencing.

The situation was getting out of control where cops were being called to their house. The husband was also hearing his adolescent son repeat the words “it’s okay daddy if we have to leave” as life in the house was continuing to spiral downward. The son was acknowledging what the father could not. 

That things were at a breaking point and somebody had to make a difficult decision.

The pain that the son could see went further than the anguish on his father’s face. And deeper than the words expressed to me, and probably a friend or two, as my client searched for any last ditch solution to save the marriage.

The father, my individual client now as the wife had decided to seek out her own therapist months ago, was a man of high personal and professional integrity. This was a man that believed in never giving up on a friend or colleague.  

Much less his former lover that once connected with him so passionately. Even if emotionally and intimately rejected by his wife for the past 2 years, here was a human being still struggling with how to hang on.  

The wife, coming from a very dysfunctional family background, was more than willing to ride out a now cold and distant relationship. She seemed to operate from the position that “things weren’t so bad” and the couple could live this way well into their senior years.

The damage she was doing by constantly refusing to connect with her partner, emotionally or sexually, was currently beyond her ability to grasp.  

For couples caught in the endless cycle of rejection the emotional scars run deep. At some point, someone has to see the permanent damage taking place for making a difficult decision.

Nathan DeWall, social psychology professor (2011) at the University of Kentucky, was one of the first to study the cost of staying in a prolonged state of social rejection. What he found indicated the emotional pain and physical pain systems in humans are closely aligned.  

DeWall says people of all ages experience social pain differently from physical pain, but in his words “there are many commonalities.” He goes on to state “probably what happened over the course of human evolution is that as we came to rely more on social inclusion for survival, the body’s physical-pain system became the basis for a social-pain system designed to ensure we weren’t fending for ourselves in a hostile world.”

Your brain is a social organism that needs significant relationships to thrive. When injured by sudden or prolonged relationship neglect or rejection the consequences are real. Your emotional health and psychological well-being do suffer real pain.  

Left untreated or unresolved, the on-going assault to the social pain system of the brain creates lasting damage.

Dealing with the possibility of a failed marriage, a person’s internal social pain system sounds the alarm for telling the nerve centers in our brain something has to give. The problem occurs when society or one’s philosophic background tells you never to give up.  

Professor DeWall’s research clearly showed analgesic medicine did actually reduce test subject’s distress after recent social trauma. Rejection by a significant other or one’s peers can cause damage to the point professional intervention is needed. 

This is not to say everybody, or even most people, need medicine after upsetting social experiences. But dealing with the possibility of losing an assumed life time partner is another level of trauma requiring greater focus. 

By continuing to reach out to a partner that consistently rejects you…the consequences to your brain, heart and body have to be taken into consideration.

DeWall’s research demonstrates rejection from significant persons does provoke intense reactions. He goes on to state, “People who’ve been rejected are more likely to overeat, procrastinate, take financial risks, perform poorly on measures of intelligence, and act aggressively.”

And over time, those “character traits” settle into our bones for creating “personality styles” that become harder and harder to change the longer the trauma persists. Staying in a destructive marriage, work or family situation where contact rejection occurs does leave permanent damage at some point.

If you find yourself in a situation where consistent rejection is the norm…be careful and listen to your internal alarm system. That aching heart is real and damage is occurring. Also listen to friends around you who might see the possible permanent damage being done to your spirit.

When in doubt, seek professional assistance for gaining clarity regarding the decisions before you. You may have a little one watching your actions for learning the definition of what love means. You have to be willing to love yourself first before others can love you in a healthy manner.

Learn how to clarify and define the needs of your heart in various social situations. There is a limit to how much your heart can take. Protect your spirit by letting go of social relationships that refuse or are unable, for the most part, to consistently match the level of love or commitment you are willing to offer others.