How’s Your Inner Harmony Doing?

What drives you? In today’s world of polarizing politics and economic competition, how do you create inner harmony with in you and with those around you? Are you at war with everybody, including your self? Do you feel the skills for creating peace and tranquility are with in you? 

Freud believed the human condition is one of conflict between what drives you and what hinders your ability to find and maintain inner harmony. He had an incredibly pessimistic view of human nature, to say the least. He seems to believe we would always be in conflict with something internally or with others around us.

Any wonder why, well over a hundred years after Freud, the term “therapy” still has people feeling a little jittery when the debate of asking for professional help begins?  

Karen Horney was another early pioneer in the field of human psychology. But her view of the human condition was much different from Freud’s obsession with inter-psychic battles.  

Reflecting on life goals in her diaries at the age of 18, Karen wrote her New Year’s resolution for 1904. Her goal was “To learn how to listen to the delicate vibrations of my soul, to be incorruptibly true to myself and fair to others, to find in this way the right measure of my own worth.”  

Have you been recently listening to your inner vibrations? Are you clear on how that inner sense of harmony translates into your actions in society? And are you currently living in a mutually respectful way with others around you?   

 Compared to Freud, Karen Horney's view of human potential was a much more optimistic one. As a teenager, her early writings refuted the idea you have to be at battle within your self and with others. How well have you refuted tendencies to battle with others during the recent pandemic? 

Another major contribution of Karen to the world of early psychology revolved around the importance of recognizing environment factors. She emphasized the concept people learned “connection styles” for dealing with the world around them. She saw people tending to fall into categories of attachment that could be used in the “counseling” room as a focus of discussion for exploring change.

Karen proposed three main directions in which a person can move: toward people, against people, and away from people. Here’s are her major themes behind these styles for exploring connection difficulties often reinforced by early traumatic experiences.

“Moving Toward People”— Compliance (AKA - People Pleaser)

1. I need to be liked by everyone.

2. I am completely self-sacrificing.

3. I care very much what other people think of me.

“Moving Against People”— Aggressive (AKA – Control Freak)

1. It’s a hostile world.

2. Life is a struggle.

3. I like to be in command.

“Moving Away From People”—Detached (AKA – Lone Cowboy)

1. I am self-sufficient.

2. I don’t really need people.

3. I could live quite well without anyone.

As Karen Horney pointed out, poor attachment patterns serve an immensely important function in maintaining a distorted sense of safety and security. These attachment styles actually served a survival purpose in getting us through difficult seasons in our development. That’s why the behaviors behind the sequence are so difficult to break.

The deep implication of Karen’s work is that, when in the grip of a destructive cycle, you may get so hung up on your “tyrannical shoulds” that you aren’t actually moving in the direction you truly value. For some people, it’s like you are working against the secure connection you actually crave.  

Do you ever find your self not knowing the exact healthy skills needing implementation? If so, it may be because you have limited exposure to a good assortment of secure attachment moments from your past. Never getting a chance to witness or practice a particular behavior, whether in childhood or as a young adult, can leave you feeling stuck for making changes today you determine necessary for success.

For those seeking new more productive attachment styles, brains can be re-wired for avoiding old excessive tendencies to be overly compliant, aggressive or detached. Is it time for you to replace old survival patterns for a newer style, that may serve you and others, in a fashion more conducive for today’s reality?

The healthy harmony Karen Horney wrote about, over one hundred years ago, in her teenage diary is obtainable. Karen believed in the human potential for growth and transformation. She believed children and adults with traumatic backgrounds can create the peace and harmony they desire.  

Her dream for the evolving field of psychotherapy was helping people achieve wholeheartedness: by living without pretense, to be emotionally sincere, to be able to put the whole of oneself into one’s feeling, one’s work, one’s beliefs.” 

Are you satisfied with your efforts to live in a wholehearted fashion?